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Kindness… without reciprocity
It often causes people with HEP distress to discover that others are considerably less caring, generous and kind than they are.
High Emotional Potential · Kindness
HEP: too kind to be happy?
Kindness can be an immense quality. However, when it leads to giving too much, tolerating injustice, forgetting yourself or wanting to save everyone, it can also become a source of distress. Seven mechanisms explain how this quality can eventually turn against you.
Video in French. The article below is available in English.
The aim is to protect your limits better, rather than become less kind
Great empathy or kindness mainly becomes problematic when combined with a lack of reciprocity, difficulty saying no or a tendency always to prioritise others’ needs over your own.
7 ways kindness can become a source of distress
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Powerlessness in the face of injustice
Many people with HEP are very sensitive to injustice, whether it affects them or others. They feel very frustrated when they cannot do anything to reduce it.
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Too kind towards manipulators
People with HEP are prime targets for narcissistic manipulators and anyone who belittles, criticises, bullies or humiliates. People with HEP want to comfort everyone, even manipulators, who exploit this.
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Burnout
People with HEP give a great deal of themselves at work, in raising children, in romantic relationships and in friendships… often to the point of exhaustion. It is not unusual for someone with HEP to take months or even years to recover from burnout.
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Kind to others, less kind to themselves
Some people with HEP are so caring and empathic that they prioritise others. They forget to look after themselves. Paradoxically, self-care enables even greater altruism.
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Mistrust from people without HEP
Many people struggle to understand the kindness of people with HEP. They think people with HEP have an ulterior motive and are kind in order to obtain something.
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Anxiety and low mood
In trying to be too kind, some people with HEP sweep their negative emotions “under the carpet”. These negative emotions accumulate and eventually create periods of anxiety, depression or addictive behaviour.
Kindness towards yourself matters as much as kindness towards others
Understanding your emotional functioning can help you recognise exhaustion earlier, distinguish empathy from self-sacrifice, set limits and preserve genuinely reciprocal relationships.
Frequently asked questions
Does being very kind mean having HEP?
No. Kindness is not specific to HEP. It can nevertheless be part of a broader set of emotional characteristics.
Why can great empathy become exhausting?
Because it can lead to absorbing others’ emotions, adapting excessively or neglecting your own needs when your limits are insufficiently protected.
Is the aim to become less kind?
No. The aim is to preserve your kindness while developing reciprocity, boundaries and kindness towards yourself.
Do several of these patterns sound like you?
HEP screening can help determine whether your empathy, intuition and way of experiencing relationships form part of broader emotional functioning.
